Have you ever had doubts about your romantic relationship? Maybe you’re wondering if they’re the right person for you after all. Or, after a few weeks, you question, “what happened to that respectful, charismatic, and charming person I met?” Perhaps you find yourself writing notes, reminders, or journals about questions and thoughts you have about the relationship, but lack the confidence to share it with your significant other? If you answered yes to any of these questions, your inquiries may be the result of a deeper issue, such as, is the person I’m dating a narcissist?
As of late, the term “narcissist” has been thrown around like daily garbage into a trash can. However, the term is far more deeper than that for people who have experienced any form of narcissistic abuse.
A narcissist is someone who is overly interested in or admires themselves. In other words, someone who believes the world revolves around them and you should be delighted to be in their presence.
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The narcissist has a set of obvious characteristics that describe their behavior and can serve as a useful tool for observing narcissistic relationships. Once you are aware of the characteristics and how they appear in your relationship, you can decide whether or you’re going to continue down this rabbit hole. Because narcissists are so skilled at manipulating and exploiting others, we often overlook obvious warning signs. Instead, we began to question the relationship or discover something wasn’t quite right after twelve months have passed and the engagement has been announced. So, let’s take a deep dive into a few of the most common characteristics to avoid any of these calculated traps.
1. Love bombing occurs at the start of a relationship and is quite overwhelming. It is defined as an attempt to influence someone through extravagant displays of affection and attention. These manipulative tactics are typically in the form of, never-ending compliments, full dedication, excessive communication, and claiming to be your soulmate, to name a few. For example, when I first meet a narcissist, I was bombarded with phone calls, text messages, emails, pop-ups, at the house and so on. Or they adore your hair, nails, style, music preferences, etc. It’s like they practically become your twin, because everything you like, they love. These acts of kindness appear to be quite flattering and genuine at first, but it’s only a matter of time before they reveal that all of that was just a generous dose of manipulation and a bag full of $3 bills.
So, when your “ohh that’s so sweet” becomes “what the?” Congratulations, you have received your first Red Flag.
2. Entitlement is when a person believes they have an absolute right to something or specific privileges. In this case, the narcissist believes that you should be available for every text, call, or other forms of communication that they are attempting to use at all times. They also expect you to prioritize them over your children, parents, job, health, and so on. When you read the contents of your text or have listened to your voice messages, you will notice that the narcissist has gone from, “I haven’t heard from you in a while,” even though it’s only been about an hour, and, “I’m worried about you,” to lashing out, calling you names, accusing you of ignoring their messages, ending the relationship, and so on.
So, when your “ohh that’s so sweet, he really cares about me,” becomes “what the?” It’s only been an hour! Congratulations, you have just received your second Red Flag.
3. Excessive admiration – In these instances, the narcissist can’t seem to get enough compliments. They are constantly looking for you or anyone else to compliment them on how well they look, dress, how many women are falling and fighting over them, and so on. If you don’t stroke their ego quickly or often enough, they’ll simply ask you questions like, “hey, what do you think about the car I just bought?” “I know you like these Rae Ban shades,” for example. They tend to be very materialistic and need you validate their inflated sense of importance or relevance on a regular bases. In my experience, I recall that many of them tend to admire themselves in the mirrors or dance around as if they were a gift to all women. Smh
So, when you’re thinking, “really?” Congratulations, you have just received Red Flag number three!
4. Lacks empathy – Empathy is defined as the ability to share and understand the feelings of others, and it also echoes the phrase “sharing is caring.” The narcissist’s concept of sharing is to provide something for you that benefits them as well and/or is usually something you don’t want or need. So, please believe that everything a narcissist does is for their benefit, not yours. Furthermore, in order to understand the emotions of others, one must be genuine, concerned, and have some kind of emotional and/or spiritual connection with them. The narcissist will frequently pretend to have empathy when they do not. For example, I remember watching a movie with a narcissist in which a female was raped by a man while walking home. “Oh no! That’s not right!” I exclaimed. He said, “That’s what she gets for wearing that kind of dress!” he exclaimed. I was shocked! And felt quite nauseous throughout the movie. Or, if the narcissist hears about someone else’s loss or grief, they’re truly not concerned unless it affects them directly, and please don’t expect support from them, pigs will be flying to the moon before that happens.
So, when you’re like, “OMG!” Congratulations, you have just received your fourth Red Flag.
5. Narcissistic rage, also known as an adult tantrum – is defined as a spectrum of emotions ranging from intense outbursts and sudden fits of rage to passive aggressiveness such as the cold shoulder and resentment. This too, can be considered as one of the classic blueprints of the narcissistic roller coaster rides. Do not be alarmed as this child-like behavior is very common in narcissistic relationships and often show up in various forms. Such as blowing things out of proportion, arguing and yelling for hours and hours, plus two days and an additional skewed summary of details. This is quite a sight to see because narcissists will literally jump up and down like a toddler if they feel betrayed or ignored. “You said you were going home from your mom’s house at three o’clock, but you got in at four,” for example. They don’t have any plans for you or anything, they just want to be in control and monitor your every move.
So, when your “oh, he’s just so passionate about us” becomes “what the?” We should just go ahead and make a toast, to your fifth Red Flag.
6. They deceive you through manipulation, shame shifting, and guilt tripping, to name a few tactics. It’s a common narcissistic trait because it’s intended to make you feel guilty or responsible for something in order for you to change your behavior for that specific action. For example, when I told an ex I was going to a birthday party for one of my friends, he proceeded to gaslight me by saying, “oh! you’re the type who likes to be out in the streets.” “You’re too old to be hanging out like that, people are crazy these days, you must be meeting someone there.” So when I asked if he’d like to join me, he said no. Keep in mind that the goal here is to make me reconsider going to any future birthday parties or hanging out with my friends.
So, when you’re thinking, “I’m not sure about this guy!” Or you feel compelled to explain why you do what you do……
You know the rest by now; go ahead and wave flag number six.
7. They want to change you – Here’s a situation where you are the same person you’ve always been. You haven’t changed at all, but the very style and class you portrayed to attract the narcissist are the very characteristics they now want to change. For example, while your long hair, Maxi dresses, and stilettos drew him in, he now prefers you to wear your hair in a ponytail, wear t-shirts, jeans, and Doc Martins. Now, don’t get it twisted, there is nothing wrong with this casual comfortable ensemble, it’s clearly the opposite of the previous style choice.
So, when you are showing up as you are, and they want you to change you,
Congratulations! because you’ve just gotten your seventh Red Flag
8. Lack of emotional connectivity – emotional connectivity refers to the subjective feelings that come together to form a bond between two people. This emotional connection enables you to express yourself honestly and openly, as well as gain knowledge and perspective from your companion. It allows you to develop and learn more about one another. For me, dating a narcissist was like a huge chocolate Easter bunny. On the outside, it looked quite appealing, however, on the inside, there was nothing there. I remember telling him that this was the coolest friendship I’ve had, with a guy since middle school. Surprisingly, he responded, “no, this is more than that.” I was like, nah, for me, there has to be a sense of substance and essence.
So, when you realize you’re both in a math class, but at different schools…
Congratulations, you have just received your eighth Red Flag.
9. Multiple short-term relationships – Because Narcissists enjoy bragging about their accomplishments, they have no problem telling you about their previous relationships. And, of course, the failure of the relationships was entirely the fault of the other people. For example, one narcissist told me that everything that led to the end of his previous relationship was the fault of the other person. I was astounded to discover that everything he blamed on her was exactly what I observed in his behavior!
So, when your “oh poor thing” becomes “you need to consider counseling.”
Congratulations, you have just received your bonus Red Flag.
As I previously stated, there are more narcissistic personality traits in existence, but these are just a few of the specific ones that I recall; all of which I overlooked in the beginning. Hopefully, this information has enlightened you or at least provided some insight into what to look for if you start to doubt the cohesion of your relationships or if you have the slightest inkling that something, is just not right!